Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

Good point.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

just arby’s bein’ a bro

Natty or not?

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive