Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
saw this in a dream
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
we’re gonna need another temp
