Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?