Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁