Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*Inspirational Tweets*
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”