Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
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Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.