Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
You Might Also Like
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
SCARY COSTUME
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
How do I get a job writing these texts
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music