“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them