“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
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Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Oh. My. God.
