“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
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“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq