“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
They’re stuck in your pants?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?