“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
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WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Found my door mat
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.