Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly