Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!