Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy