“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Your an idiot.
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
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I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
[turns into bat and flies away]
video games allow you to journey to wondrous locations straight out of your dreams such as: warehouse, sewer, and subway tunnel