If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Your an idiot.
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
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Roses are red.
My name is not Dave.
This poem makes no sense.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum
Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.