@AndyAsAdjective

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

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@TheComedyHumor

Roses are red.

My name is not Dave.

This poem makes no sense.

Microwave.

@EJGomez

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

@flashember

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

@NYorNothing

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

@iwearaonesie

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

@InternetHippo

My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum

@gamecox93

Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.