your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…