your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Are we there yet?…
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
what
hear me out : pockets for your socks