your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October