Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can also cook 😂

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”