Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
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At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college