Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
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This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Guys which shade of gery should I get
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
What if all the cashiers are married?
