Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.