Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Oops
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The three genders
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*