Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.