Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

Yes, this is exactly right

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

Finally!

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.