Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
You Might Also Like
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
mathematically impossible
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Child: What鈥檚 it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I鈥檓 not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ馃槀
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you鈥檙e still young and fit to climb in and out!
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you