Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
A friend helps you before you need it
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
back to work
