Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Just why bro?!
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Creepy-crawlies
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.