Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?