Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet