Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
meow
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.