Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

I am all good here, 😂😉

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

Google reviews are always so mixed..