Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.