Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?