Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
The internet is full of many things
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.