Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.