Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.