Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?