WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T LIST THOR AS AN EMERGENCY BACKUP?!?!
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
If Sean Spicer announces his own resignation, is it true?
If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station