Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
You Might Also Like
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Happy Thanksgiving
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*