@ShockTartBionic

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

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@david8hughes

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

@HiddenPinky

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

@robdelaney

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

@SinCityChiGirl

If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
#WellThatsAGoodQuestion

@Death_Buddy

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station