Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby