Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)