“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
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Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
LOL
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again