“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
it be like that
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
*with the intention of bragging
I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live