“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
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[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I beg your pardon?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.