Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

My neck, my back, my…

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Looking at you, Jesus.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!