Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Time for evil

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?