Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.