Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.