Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
You Might Also Like
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Happy Taco Tuesday
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
wow
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
why would tinder want me to say this
Give us this day our daily internet validation
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?