Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
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Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
a fate I wish upon no one
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god