Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white