@darksidedeb

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

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@climaxximus

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

@CArmanthegirl

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

@RandomAntics

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

@Jarhead44

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

@chuuew

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

@pro_worrier_

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

@LeBearGirdle

Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?

*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*

Me: OH MY

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

@knot_eye

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”