@darksidedeb

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

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@DaddyJew

Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*

@Gupton68

[plane crash]

survivor: it was horrible

rescuer: it’s ok, you’re safe now

s: but we had to eat the other passengers

r: hush, you did what you needed to do to survive

s: I suppose, the only food left in the galley was Hawaiian pizza

r: how awful, you clearly had no choice

@mack44_d

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

@XplodingUnicorn

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

@FirecrackerKatt

You say stalker.

I say excellent research skills.

Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.

@KenJennings

WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief