@darksidedeb
@DaddyJew
Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
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@DaddyJew
@Gupton68
[plane crash]
survivor: it was horrible
rescuer: it’s ok, you’re safe now
s: but we had to eat the other passengers
r: hush, you did what you needed to do to survive
s: I suppose, the only food left in the galley was Hawaiian pizza
r: how awful, you clearly had no choice
@mack44_d
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
@iamspacegirl
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
@stockejock
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
@ohheyohhihello
stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.
@XplodingUnicorn
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
@FirecrackerKatt
You say stalker.
I say excellent research skills.
Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.
@Cpin42
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
@KenJennings
WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief