me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”