@darksidedeb
@climaxximus
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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@climaxximus
@CArmanthegirl
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
@RandomAntics
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
@Jarhead44
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
@chuuew
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
@dafloydsta
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
@pro_worrier_
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
@LeBearGirdle
Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY
@JohnLyonTweets
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
@knot_eye
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”