Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
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After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people