Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
You Might Also Like
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
All is fair in drunk and war.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
the duality of man
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
You’re not my real can
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*