your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
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When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
The real reason evolution started..😂
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious