Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
🌲😼
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
best review i’ve ever seen
Our lord and savoury.
