Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.