Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.