Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

handsome & gretel

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.