Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

This 4th of July, please remember…

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!