Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”