Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.