Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

👾👾👾

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep