Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
it must be school picture day
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Good for him.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Every work call, he judges.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”