Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Software Development ⛵️
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting