Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
🌱🌱🌱
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.