Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.