Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….