Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
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*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.