Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
new career option?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion