the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Basketball games are very squeaky.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.