Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
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[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Florida man
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.