Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

the rocks need my help

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

No selfies while hijacking a train.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.