Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.