“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
You Might Also Like
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
went fishing caught a bass
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.