Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

😂😂

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.