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Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?