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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My what?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”