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stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”