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I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I have a black belt in leather
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”