Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”